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Science Facts for the Cocktail Party
Sometime After the Second Drink

Ok so you’ve read this book and looked over the web site. What the heck good did it do? Consider the following next time you’re wasting the afternoon at the water cooler or you’ve had one to many at the cocktail party. Or perhaps you’re at the church social and you’ve repented of gossiping (what are you going to talk about?).

Longevity and Aging:

Archaea (or Arcs, as described in Black Silent), are single celled bacteria and do not age because their DNA is made up of single chromosome strings without telomeres. Dump your telomeres and live almost forever? On second thought if you have to live on this earth run by politicians and lawyers, cared for by doctors, all the while having to buy medical insurance, and hoping for social security, perhaps heaven is a better option.

A calorie-restricted diet has been shown to slow aging and increase longevity in yeast, fruit flies, mice and monkeys. In utopia you may find yourself on weight watchers plus with your food locked in a cage. Maybe you don’t want to live a few hundred years after all.

Aging of cells is primarily caused by the limited number of telomeres (pieces of specialized DNA) on the ends of our chromosomes; and because of oxidation when our cells burn energy. After you dump the telomeres you need to find a way to stop yourself from rusting to death. Blue berries are one of the best natural anti-rusting agents known. How would you like blueberries for breakfast, lunch and dinner? What an exciting way to live.

Every time a cell divides and reproduces, telomeres are lost and when they are exhausted the cell dies. When enough cells die the organism dies. That would be you pardner—unless you are an arc.

Free Radicals are produced when cells convert energy and oxygen atoms escape from the little energy engines called mitochondria. These oxygen atoms bouncing around our cells are missing an electron, which would normally stabilize the oxygen atom. Losing electron-deprived oxygen molecules from your mitochondria into your cells will lead to losing your marbles.

Free Radicals can be counteracted by antioxidants in food or vitamins because the antioxidants provide the extra electrons missing from the free radicals and when the antioxidants give up an electron they maintain their stability. We’re back to the blueberries again. Breakfast, lunch and dinner.

Archaea (Arcs):

Archaea were first discovered in 1977 and are single celled organisms whose DNA is distributed throughout the cell and not contained within a nucleus as it is in all other cells. They’re weird. However, you’d be weird too if you lived in the mud, had a life span of millions of years, and could live for a year on one slice of pizza.

Many Archaea are found in extreme environments of pressure and temperature and do not burn oxygen. Can you imagine living under ten thousand feet of salt water and one thousand feet of ocean bottom mud? It’s deep, really deep.

Archaea produce methane as waste from the processing of energy. The trick is they have produced enough to burp us to death if things go awry. If you happen to be standing by the ocean and observe a giant bubble thousands of feet high you’ll know you’re in for a bad air day.

Archaea DNA consists of a single chromosome formed into a circular shape with no beginning or end. The DNA of all other living things is made up of strings of chromosomes capped at the ends by telomeres and contained within the nucleus of a cell. If you can’t have round DNA then what’s a person to do? Well there is (1) die after a short time on this earth like everybody else or (2) Figure out how Ben Anderson kept his subjects genetic shoelaces from getting shorter by giving them telomerase. The trick is that using Ben’s methods his subjects didn’t get cancer whereas if you tried it you’d blow up like a balloon with tumors. So skip the telomerase in your next martini until we get this worked out.


Methane is basically a natural gas (like bubbles in the bathtub on chili night) and is a viable source of energy if it can be successfully mined. So take a shovel and a wheel barrow, dive down about ten thousand feet in the ocean and when you get to the bottom put the hydrates in the wheel barrow and walk briskly up the continental shelf to dry land. It works every time.

Methane is relatively clean burning and does not contribute significantly to greenhouse gases when burned. Methane released directly into the atmosphere has the potential to impact the levels of greenhouse gases causing significant climatic change. If you want to make Alaska feel like Florida warm a good portion of the worlds oceans about 4 or 5 degrees at the bottom and you’ll be there. You may also be surfing at the foot of the Rockies.

Scientists estimate that there is enough methane at the bottom of the ocean to equal three times the energy from all of the earth’s known gas, oil, and coal reserves. It would burn your green camping stove for a while.

Some investigators believe that ship disappearances, such as those rumored to have taken place in the Bermuda Triangle and “The Witches Hole", could have resulted from large “methane burps” that caused the ships to lose flotation and fall quickly to the sea bottom. Moral: When rowing watch out for big ass bubbles.

There has been a great deal of speculation about methane burps causing planes to crash in the ocean. These speculations have surrounded plane disappearances such as the five Navy fighter-bombers over the Bermuda Triangle in 1945. However the author rather doubts that airplanes are burped out of the sky by giant methane gushes. In fact it only happened once and it got Jimmy Hoffa.

Fishermen often pull up an ice like substance in their net. What they find is Methane Hydrate, which is made up of cages of ice crystals surrounding bubbles of methane. This stuff won’t cool your drinks for very long because it dissipates when it hits the air but it makes for a great party trick. You can hold a lump of the ice in your hand and light it. Doing so will prove once and for all that you are a moron. As the ice burns in your hand you will be reminded of G Gordon Liddy. If you’re young you will be reminded of Madonna kissing Brittany Spears–a spectacle with no heat. Seriously it won’t burn your hand if before you do it you have carefully rubbed cocoa butter on your ass. So you know now why all those oceanographers pictured with burning hydrates in their hand are always standing up.


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